Sacred Heart Tango
by LitaE
Summary: And now the merry murderesses of the Sacred Heart Hospital in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango! With a special guest appearance from Rowdy!


**DISCLAIMER:** I own nothing and no-one to do with Scrubs. I merely screw around with the characters in random storylines. I don't own the song either, it's from the musical "Chicago" I'm just borrowing it for this silly parody.

* * *

**SACRED HEART TANGO**

And now the merry murderesses of the Sacred Heart Hospital in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango!

Abuse! Field Rat! Sex! Woof! Vegas! Kelly!

Abuse! Field Rat! Sex! Woof! Vegas! Kelly!

**ALL  
**He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!

Abuse! Field Rat! Sex! Woof! Vegas! Kelly!

**  
ELL****IOT**  
You know how people have these little habits  
That get you down.  
Like Doctor Kelso.  
Kelso liked to criticise.  
No, not criticise. ABUSE.  
So I came into the doctor's lounge this one day  
And I am really irritated, and I'm looking for a bit of sympathy  
and there's Kelso laying on the couch, drinking an Irish coffee  
and frickin' criticising.  
No, not critisising. Abusing!  
So, I said to him,  
I said, "you say one more nasty frickin' thing…"  
and he did.  
So I took the shotgun from Janitor's closet and I fired two warning shots...  
...into his head.

**  
ALL  
**He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would  
Have done the same!

**  
LADY**  
I met my Janitor from Sacred Heart about two years ago  
and he told me he'd been an astronaut and we hit it off right away.  
So, we started living together.  
He'd go to clean, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, He'd stuff dead squirrels.  
And then I found out,  
"Single" he told me?  
Single, my ass. Not only was he married  
...oh, no, he had six wives.  
Said he was part field rat, polygamous by nature.  
So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual.  
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

**  
ALL  
**Hah! He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He took a flower  
In its prime  
And then he used it  
And he abused it  
It was a murder  
But not a crime!

**  
JORDAN**  
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen carving up the chicken for dinner,  
Minding my own business  
And in storms my ex-husband Perry, in a scotch fuelled rage.  
"You been screwing the milkman, the mailman, the pool guy, the gardener, the firemen, the neighbours,  
Doctor Mickhead, Doctor Norris, The Todd, Snoop Dogg Resident, that guy with the…"

**  
CARLA  
**Okay, we get it!

**  
JORDAN**  
He was crazy and he kept screaming,  
"you've been screwing...blah blah blah boring"  
And then he ran into my knife.  
He ran into my knife ten times.

**  
ALL  
**If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!

**  
ROWDY  
**(Stands there with dead eyes while something that looks suspiciously like Doug's fanny pack dangles from his jaw)

**  
ELLIOT  
**Yeah, but did you do it?

**  
ROWDY  
**(Moves from side to side to indicate not guilty)

**  
CARLA**  
My husband, Turk and his best friend JD had this double act  
and I the devoted wife, travelled around with them.  
Now, for the last number in their act, they did 20 little moves  
one two three four, five...splits, spread eagles, robot, hip hop,  
one right after the other.  
Well, this one night we were in the hotel in Vegas, the three of us,  
Drinking and having a few laughs when we run out of ice.  
So I went out to get some.  
I come back, open the door and there's Turk and JD naked doing Number Seventeen-  
The Spread Eeeeeeaaaggllleeee.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,  
I completely blacked out.  
I can't remember a thing.  
It wasn't until later,  
When I was washing the blood off my hands  
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming  
They had it coming  
They had it coming all along  
I didn't do it  
But if I'd done it  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

**  
ALL  
**They had it coming  
They had it coming  
They took a flower  
In its prime  
And then they used it  
And they abused it  
It was a murder  
But not a crime!

**  
KIM**  
I loved Sean Kelly more than I can possibly say.  
He was a real creative guy...sensitive... a dolphin trainer.  
But…  
He was always trying to find himself.  
He'd go out every night looking for himself  
and on the way he found Denise,  
Katie,  
Sunny  
and Keith.  
I guess you can say we broke up because of creative differences.  
He saw himself as alive  
and I saw him dead.

**  
ALL**  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would  
Have done the same!

**ELLIOT  
**Say one more frickin' abusive thing!

**LADY  
**Part field rat my ass!

**JORDAN  
**Ten times!

**ROWDY  
**(Still shaking from side to side indicating not guilty)

**CARLA  
**Spread Eeeeeeaaaggglleee

**KIM  
**Creative Differences

**ALL  
**Abuse! Field Rat! Sex! Woof! Vegas! Kelly!  
Abuse! Field Rat! Sex! Woof! Vegas! Kelly!

* * *

**NOTE:** Random I know, particularly the part about Rowdy apparently killing Doug LOL. Looks like it's not just dead humans out to get him. Sometimes it's fun just to write some silly, funny stuff. Plus I saw the musical Chicago recently and figured what the heck. Hope you liked :D


End file.
